Investors panic following rumours of market crash, only to learn bloke on bike crashed into grocer on Wall St.

There was world-ending panic at the New York Stock Exchange yesterday after rumours swelled mid-morning of an impending market crash.

Fortunately for all the rich guys in the room, the news related to a bike crash at the local grocers market up the street.

For roughly 90 seconds however, there was utter mayhem.

'Bobby heard it from Tommy, and Tommy heard it from Sammy, and Sammy heard it from Robby, and then everything just went to s***,' investor Tommy-Sammy told The Daily Fug.

The man who initially spread the news but failed to provide context – Robby – was coming out of the grocers with an energy drink and sausage roll when the bicycle incident occurred.

He was later reprimanded, not for causing the panic, but taking a break when he should have been, 'selling stocks a stuff,' according to Tommy-Sammy.

Confused by all the names? So are we, there's also a Sammy-Tommy, Tommy-Robby and Tobby-Rommy working on the trading floor.

The scene of the bike crash.

Robby, with his energy drink and sausage roll.

Not a single trader The Daily Fug interviewed asked about the wellbeing of the bike rider, however when told the rider had sustained a cut on his wrist, Tommy-Sammy did say, 'I've got some stocks in e-bikes. I should probably sell those.'

Whether the market closed up, down or sideways, we're not sure, as we're journalists, and we don't make that much money.